Darkness – go away

Wichita Sunset

Depression; you never know when it is going to hit, or how deep it is going to take you. Like the photo above it seems everything is dark with only some light around it. You may hear something said or an action is done that takes you on the ugly spiral downward. Only you don’t know how to stop and the pit gets darker and deeper.

Sometimes you try to talk to someone about something that was said but the conversation goes the wrong direction or is taken wrong; they don’t see that it caused you to open that door once again to enter a place that is dark and lonely. You try to explain but they just get angry and you aren’t saying things maybe the best way, so they hang up on you and you feel worse that now you have upset someone else. It is not that I am trying to drag someone into my despair, I am trying to prevent another accordance; they don’t understand.

You may be in a crowd of people, or even with loved ones – yet something triggers it. A word, a phase, a joke or something that takes you back to a darker time that started all of it to begin with.

People who have never suffered from it do not understand, your mom tells you to “just get over it”, or to “forget it”. Yet, you can’t. You have no control over it. You continue to keep moving forward, you could be watching TV but your mind goes elsewhere and you don’t see or hear what is even on the screen. You can lay in a dark room or sit outside – yet it persist – the downfall.

I have come to realize that it just has to play itself out. Take my meds and wait, or wait did I take my meds? You don’t remember if you done simple things that you thought you did. My mind is alert yet the shadows cover it. No violence but silence impedes your mind, I crawl into myself and don’t let anyone in.

I have to say I am much better than I used to be when my depression presses down on me. I use to want to run away, leave, just get out of Dodge; I no longer do that. I do not sit and cry, although shortly after it hits I feel the tears come but I don’t let them fall.

The Lord is my strength and he will help me overcome this. He always has before and he will again. I walk in his grace and know that he knows my heart and what is going on. He loves me and will bring the light back.

Awww School time….

Jen in front, Jer with is blanky in back. Jen in front, Jer with his blanky in back.
These are my twins at one year old.

This month leaves me sort of bittersweet; everyone is getting ready or has already sent their children to school. I really miss that time of year.
Wow, I just realized it has been 17 years since my twins graduated from high school. My twins are now 35 years old (36 next month) and getting on with their own lives. My only grandson will be sixteen this month and is a Junior.

I LOVED going shopping for school items and preparing them for the new year. I still like to wonder the aisles of stores in the school supply aisles, my daughter likes to go with me. I now have another reason, I love to find things to use in my scrapbooking. Watercolors, different color ink pens, glue sticks, storage items for paper etc. Maybe because as a child we never got to buy new clothes from school. My mom made our clothes. Now I am proud of it but then the kids sort of made fun of my clothes but it didn’t bother me.

I received my West High 45th Reunion invitation last week. I was never that popular in high school, being a Christian I wasn’t allowed to go places and do things the other kids did. My church and parents didn’t allow dancing, going to the show or mixed swimming. Since Facebook I have been able to get with some of my high school friends, especially Vernice who now lives in California. I will probably go to Hero’s the first night but don’t plan to attend the other programs.

In fact, my best memories are from elementary school “Eureka Elementary” which used to be on the corner of West street and Taft. The Westport Drive-in used to be across the street. They are all gone now. The only thing left is the Christ the King church where our mobile home park sat beside, it is now gone also. I hate that my younger years memories are wiped away. Yet, life goes on to different things.

One time I decided I needed to sit down and think of something from EACH year of my school years. It took awhile but I did it. It helped to engrave the memories in my mind. I especially remember walking to and from school which was through a field which is now Town West Mall. It used to be a field of wheat or sunflowers. I used to gather tad poles on the way home and keep them until they grew into little frogs. I would let them go. We would walk through the drive-in and find coins or other items that were dropped during the shows in the evenings. Of course, we were suppose to not go in but kids never listened.

Oh, memory lanes….I am sure you have tales of your own if you will sit down and think about it. I hope all of your children have a wonderful year in school this, make memories and find friends who they don’t let go of. May the teachers of these children be blessed as they get to know them and by the end of the year call them their own because they give each a little bit of their heart.

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My new link is http://www.sjkeathley.com
My “cntrystyln” site has been deleted. I will keep the WordPress site. At least it is paid for a year!

Of course, if you follow my post by putting in your email address you can add it to the “follow my blog” and you wil continue to read it.

OUR SUMMER ADVENTURE

On July 4th, we went to my daughter’s to see the fireworks – after an afternoon of good food and visiting at my house. She lives near some rather expensive homes and they seem to try and out do each other every year on their fireworks.

This year as years past the fireworks were beautiful. One area had a problem and had to call the fire department! They didn’t stay long so it must not have been too bad.

Anyone that know’s me, my mother, my aunts and my cousins know that we are what they call – “fall hazards”. The stories are endless in their nature – of falling upstairs, downstairs, over open dishwasher doors and over our feet. I once again showed my talent on this day of the 4th of July. I was taking my chair back to our car when I stepped off what I thought to be a “normal” curb – but the pavement slopped into a drainage ditch. My feet planted but my body fell over them folding my feet under me.

I knew I was badly hurt but was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to see me. I lay there for a bit trying to figure out if I could get up and set on the curbing. i could not.

Then I heard the sound I always hate to hear, my daughter yelled, ” Mom’s down”. I wanted to roll into the storm gutter and hide. My husband, son, daughter and daughter-in-law came running to me. My daughter-in-law has only been in our family about 4 years but she has already seen this wonderful grace of a mom fall several times.

She checked my ankles (she is a nurse) and didn’t think anything was broken. My son and husband got me up and into the car (I could not have walked myself). My daughter appeared with a bag of ice. I put it on my left ankle which seemed to be the worst casualty of this recent display of grace.

By the time we got home my left ankle was the size of a softball. My right ankle was also swollen and very sore.

You know that commercial on TV when the guy hits his mailbox while watching his son dance? He hits an accident “rewind” button. I wanted one of those, to take me back to the previous afternoon so I could undo whatever it was that I had done!

It has now been five weeks and I am still recovering from a broken left ankle. My right ankle was sprained pretty bad but it is much better. I went to the ortho doctor again today hoping to get rid of my “storm trooper” boot.

NOPE, another three weeks of the beautiful thing that I have come to hate so badly. However, I can now start to put some weight bearing on it and can actually take a shower and sleep without it. THAT IS HUGE!

So much for any summer trips this year! We have had to stay close to home. However, had it been my husband I would have understood and took care of him. (In fact, I did once when he broke his falling on ice. Mailman hazard!)

My wonderful husband has been my saving grace through this. He has done all he can to keep me on track, even if it meant a few lectures to obey the doctor. Humm sounds like what I had to do with him also. (If you have ever had a husband sick you know what I mean!)

My dear daughter had to have major surgery on July 31 and has come to our home to recover. Her dad has been taking care of both of us. HE is our hero!

This whole time it has rained, and rained. Not complaining as we really needed it. Our lakes have all filled up. We have been in a drought for such a long time that this is really a HUGE blessing. People have had to fight water in the roads, but that is a small price to pay to have water to drink!

My grandson will be SIXTEEN the end of this month and has inherited his mom’s used Neon. He has his permit. It doesn’t seem possible that he is old enough to drive and will be a junior this year. Where does the time go? He will be driving to school, work and back and forth between his mom and dad’s.

Instead of wonder trips to CO or CA this has been out summer. However, as soon as I recover we will be getting a house/dog sitter and be off on a much needed time of seeing the beauty of this wonderful country and share just being together and enjoying our retirement and each other.

Hopefully more fun experiences will follow….. until then. Peace of Christ and love to each of you.

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